Today...

2001, last photo I have of him.

Warning: Raw post, this one.  Not the usual sweet, cute kid picture post, just keeping it real.

Today is my dad's birthday but there will be no celebration (with us), no phone calls (from us), no card sent (from us) - no laughing, no singing, no sharing of memories...because this is what he desires...from us.  Several years ago, he called me when we were stationed in Iceland and said that he was going to "take a break" from us, that he thought it was best for our protection (there's more to that part of the story).   Oh, I fought it - I religiously called and continued on with letters, pictures, gifts.  That was 2002.  He kept it all, unopened and unread, and gave it to my mom to give back to me in 2003.  That really hurt.  The last time I hugged him was that same year, at a funeral for my grandmother, we were back in the States again and I had hope that he would change his mind. 

He hasn't changed his mind since then.  The loss of my dad in my life, is huge...and it's different than any other loss I've experienced because he is still alive.  It often times feels like a wound that cannot heal and it has changed me.  Maybe (thank you friend for thinking this) I have more compassion for those who have hurt and loss but on the flip side, relationships that I have can be complicated by it.  If I get close to a friend and they say or do something that hurts me, I have to be careful not to be overly sensitive about it and keep them at arm's length.  I think I might do this as a way to protect my heart from being hurt again.  I know this and I'm working on it...and I fight it because it's silly, people are not perfect, plus I do not want his choices to steal things from my life or those relationships.  I lean toward hope and optimism and I'd like to stay that way.  An even crazier realization I had just a few weeks ago - was that when we lost our baby last fall, I felt abandoned by God...how spoiled I am and God usually gives me what I want (o.k. well not everything, but He's VERY good to me).  When I didn't get that baby to raise, just like I do not get to have Dad in my life, I felt hurt and let down by God, my other father figure.  Maybe that only makes sense to me, but it hit me hard and helped me process that loss further.  Big difference in those fathers though.  Big.

Evan was the last child of ours he held.  I was visiting with my sister tonight and she asked me again about the last time I saw him and it was then that I was reminded that he has never even met Grant, Isabel, Asher, Micah or Leah.  I hurt for them too, he really seemed to savor his "Grandpa" role with Drew and Adam for 3 years.  I've witnessed his love for those boys and long for that for the others.

Last month, I drove by his house because we were in that part of the state.  It had been years since I had shown the kids where he lived and boy did I get a surprise!  Can you believe that he was outside?  It was a gorgeous day in December and he was in his garage bent over working on something with the garage door open.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  He was hunched over (his back has been bothering him for years) and he had a beard that would easily win him a Duck Dynasty look alike contest.  I was driving by slowly, like a total stalker, and looking over every inch of his yard before I actually noticed HIM...and he lifted his arm and waved at us!  I was a little shocked, but I'm guessing he didn't know who we were and he was just being friendly to the slow driving van.  Most people would probably have stopped, or maybe not even thought of that moment as that big of a deal.  But when you haven't laid eyes on your dad for over 10 years, it just isn't that simple...for me anyway.  I spent the next solid 30 minutes crying and mulling over the image of him...wondering if that might be the last glimpse I get of him.  Anytime my mind truly allows thoughts of him to penetrate my heart, I usually derail and have a very difficult time recovering.  It's messy.  And on a side note, the kids were totally excited to see him in real life.  Grant said, "Oh Mom, he looks so nice!"  I simply said, "He is, Buddy."  And I meant every word.  He's a really great guy, you can ask anyone who has ever met him.  He's loved by all, yet not involved in his kids' lives.   

Today I prayed for him throughout the day, and truly kept a strong front.  It's how I usually cope with my thoughts of him.  Then tonight I went to facebook to write a birthday message on his twin sister's wall and was completely caught off guard to see pictures of him in her photo area.  He was standing next to my cousin, and then there was another photo of him next to my other cousin (these cousins are the age of my sister and me).  He had his arm around each of them in the pictures, like a loving uncle.  Then I noticed the date.  2010.  That's when it started...I could hardly breathe...then came the hurt, betrayed feelings, and of course -jealousy.  The realization that he met with them twice in less than a year was almost more than my heart could bear.

So tonight I surrender this again - I love my dad and I want him in my life - but until that day, which might not be until heaven, I pray for the Lord to continue to use it for His glory.  Every night we draw a cross on the kids' foreheads and say, "Be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might."  They say the same thing back to us and THAT is what I will repeat tonight as I drift off to sleep.  God is in even this and I completely trust Him with it, we've prayed a lot of years to be united again...and now I simply ask for His will to be done.  His ways are always better.  He tells us in Isaiah 55:9
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.