Jess

August 2012, family photo of 10, day before our loss

This is such a tough post to write, but I think that in order to help me move forward with this blog, I need to just do it. 

We had a loss.  It brings me to tears to even type it.  Ugh.

Most who read this already know.  I just didn't...still don't know how to even post about it.  And yet, it was a life that we treasured and valued and were completely in love with already.  I feel compelled to give it a shot, to honor the little life by journaling it further here.

I confess that I spend too much wasted time on what others must be thinking, not always, but moreso when I'm vulnerable like after a loss...there was the announcement of our sweet baby, and let's just say that announcing that you're expecting your eighth blessing gets a much different response than announcing your first.  (2-3 children are comfortable for most people, but if you feel the Lord may be calling you to have more and actually blesses you with more - be prepared for a raised eyebrow or two...more than four blessings?  Hello Looneyville!  Really.  It's what people are thinking.  How do I know?  Because I used to think the same thing.).  Anyway, we had waited until our 9th week to share the announcement with the children, which was super tough, but we wanted them to be able to share their excitement without any reservation.  Of course several of them were already suspicious.  But the announcement was so much fun!  We did a theme with all foods that had the word "baby" in them.  Baby carrots, Baby Ruths, Baby sandwiches, etc.  They were just so, so excited.  And there were SO many sweet details that I've journaled. 

Then just a few weeks later, loss.  August 27th, 2012.

And now healing.  O.K.  Raw honesty here.  This is probably why it's taken me so long to post this...I do not like writing about loss or healing.  I sometimes feel like throwing a tantrum, kicking and pounding my fists on the ground, shouting like a toddler, "I don't want to be healing.  I don't want this loss.  I don't want this to be part of my story."  God knows, He's heard it all.

Sometimes there's more wasted time on what others must be thinking..."Beck, get better already, how long will we have to bring this up?"  "Beck, you have 7 blessings, seven (yes, I know they are so amazing) shouldn't that be enough of a distraction to get you over this?"

Over this.  Oh how I wish.  God knows the burden of my thoughts.  One of the toughest things for me is how my identity has been rewired...temporarily I hope.  I long to be the same ol' baby snugglin' mama...and I think that I'll get there again.  I barely recognize my heart at times, and I know it's not easy on my loved ones.  It is so hard to go into a situation that used to be a highlight of my life ( I love children, love to smother them (said through gritted teeth) - and babies are like the frosting on the cake for me) and have emotions that I've never experienced before.  I can self-talk myself into being brave and I know the Lord has helped me through some challenging encounters.  I go, and I try, try, try to be my old self.  I'm a pretty good faker.  And then there's my pride, I wouldn't want to be the mama curled up in the corner all because she can't get a grip.  Babies in a room cause my blood pressure to rise, my breathing to change, not because I want what those mama's have but it reminds me of what we have lost.  It's a reminder of those hopes and dreams that are now dashed.  I found, sadly, that healing cannot be rushed.  Grief is such an ugly companion.  I can turn my back on that grief and pretend it doesn't exist, pretend I'm over it, pretend that I don't ever think of it...but then it tends to come back with a bite...ugly.

It was...IS...devastating.  Somedays, without a trigger even, the waterworks will begin and I just cannot stop it.  I told a friend that it's like this little piece of grief luggage that I carry around and if I dare begin to unpack it, it all overflows and I can't get it closed back up right away. Does that make sense? I think I need to unpack it with the Lord more often so I'm not so caught off guard. I don't know how often that should look like though, and I'm not sure that I can control it quite like that...oh, if I could just package it up and bring out the grief at a convenient time.  Every third Tuesday, please?  Nope, it doesn't work like that.  

And then there's the unexpected.  The first trip to the burger joint where we cried, that hard cry, after hearing the words, "there's no heartbeat."  The first time back in church without the tiny peanut growing inside me.  Hanging stockings with the realization someone's missing.  Our Christmas letter...oh mercy, that really brought up unexpected emotions too...do I ignore such a thing, do I include it...is that tactful? it's so personal...but it was a life...oh the anxiety...and whose reactions am I concerned about with it all...and will it be weird the next time we're together...will it be mentioned or ignored? do I want it mentioned?  I dislike crying in front of people, I hate to ever appear weak.  I'm learning a lot about myself.  It's all tough stuff for me.  In the end Chad guided me and told me to include it "it was a life" he said. O.K.  I even had a second Christmas letter, a rap actually...it was all funny, the kids loved it, no room for sadness or loss...what it really was though, was a fake version of our lives.  Actually now that I think about it, it was my dream letter...minus the baby announcement...most people wouldn't have even noticed, but those who know me well, would have wondered.

God bless the people who support mamas with losses...look at how all over the place I am.  The Lord is good, and he has sent those angels to check in with me and I can't tell you how much of a blessing that is.  Those angels are willing to sit in the trenches with that raw emotion and be the hands and feet of Christ.  If you learn anything from this post, know that it doesn't take much to show love to a hurting mom.  A simple card or email, text even - with one line - can be salve for the wounded heart.  "How are you doing?"  Four powerful little words.  Even sweeter, and if you're afraid to see the contents of that messy "grief luggage" - "I'm still praying for you."       

I read an article from http://lifeandloss.wordpress.com

She writes:
"If I could purge one single phrase from our culture it would be “just a miscarriage”. How many times have you heard that phrase? Yet there are so may instances where it is anything but “just” as if that word is somehow going to temper the pain."

And then she goes on to say that she thought about the baby/pregnancy at least once a minute every waking minute and sometimes in her dreams. She said, "If I was awake 16 hours a day that is 960 times a day 7 days a week = 6720 times to think of them a week for however many weeks." 

Yep.  She gets it. I think we might not even realize how often our minds are already fitting that tiny little being into our lives.

We named our baby Jess (the kids insisted) and Jesse/Jess means "God with us" "God's grace"...just what we needed, still do. The kids refer to the baby as Jess and include the baby in our family numbers. I even got a teeny tiny stocking that hangs near mine. We planted a bush in the backyard and had a little prayer service. I was quite surprised at how that impacted the kids, our 8 yr. old cried and cried. We also let them write in permanent marker on a piece of wood what all they'll miss about not have the baby/sibling around...what they were looking forward too. I think it validated their thoughts on life and expectations. Chad and I added our own message too. I got a small treasure box from Hobby Lobby, let the kids decorate it and added all things special (pregnancy test, cards, ultrasound photo (had to ask for that, and it wasn't good at all but it was taken on the day we heard "sorry, there's no heartbeat,") I plan to develop any pictures I took of our family while I was pregant and the flowers that Chad bought. I also couldn't sleep one night, right before my body released the baby and all- so I typed out EVERYTHING that I was feeling and grieving, it was an honest raw account and yet I knew I'd forget if I didn't do that (all the places we went, all the things we did as a family "while pregnant" - I just didn't want to forget any detail.)

Phew, this post took a lot longer than I expected but it was one more step toward healing.  Also I wanted to mention that physically - I am convinced that my Shaklee vitamins helped in a remarkable way, seriously.  My recovery time was half of what I had read about and discussed with friends.  Quality mulitvitamins are truly life changers.   


Psalm 34:18

 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.

Job 1:21

And he said, “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”